The idea of NBA expansion has somehow only become more possible in the last 10 months during the pandemic. Most people have thrown out their ideas for which cities across the country the NBA should expand to: Seattle is a no brainer, lots of people want Las Vegas (RIP James Harden), Louisville, even Mexico City and Montreal seem to be real candidates for a new NBA franchise sometime in the next half decade. Thinking about nice cities that deserve an NBA team is no fun so here are a bunch of random places that would be horrible places to give a professional basketball team.
How pissed would people be if Adam Silver inexplicably game Flint a friggin pro sports team before the people of Flint had access to fresh water. You’d think we would have fixed that by now, but alas most actual problems in the United States were forgotten about for the last four years.
Albuquerque, New Mexico
What team, Wildcats! Get your head in the game! You don’t want to bring an NBA team to the city know as the home of High School Musical and fictional basketball/dance legend Troy Bolton. He’s Larry Bird to these people and anyone who plays for Albuquerque would have to go through arduous dance rehearsals before each game to make sure they get the choreography ready for the big night. Imagine Joel Embiid having to decide between playing in the NBA Finals or getting a callback for Danny in the teams spring production of Grease.
Waaaaaaay too close to Russia. We don’t need a Red Dawn situation happening during the Dunk Contest at All-Star Saturday Night in Nome. The team’s name would have to be Wolverines!
Panama City Beach, Florida
The Las Vegas of the Florida panhandle James Harden would have to manage his load every time he played against PCB. If I can get up to no good in this town 99 percent of all pro athletes would get suspended within a day, especially during spring break. You would have to move the NBA Finals to November.
Way too far away. Nobody wants to have a back to back in LA and Honolulu with a five hour flight in between. Also once you get to Hawaii the last thing you’re going to want to do is go inside and play basketball all day. If they could play outside on Waikiki Beach then we can talk.
An NBA team would really get in the way of the Billings Rodeo and we don’t want that to happen do we?
While a Tiger King NBA team would automatically be the coolest team in pro sports, rural Oklahoma is probably not the best place to do it. Aside from the racism there’s a buttload of meth out there and these guys would wish they were Carole Baskin’s dead husband.
Nothing good happens in Gary, Indiana.
Nobody is showing up to play if they’re in Malibu. LeBron will just host everyone at his house for taco Tuesday and take the L and then just show up for like three games in April, smoke everyone and win the finals again.
Way too invested in the University of Kentucky basketball team. Only UK grads can play for the new expansion team which would probably be the best team in the league. AD, KAT, Booker, Fox, SGA, Bam, Jamal Murray, Julius Randle, Tyler Herro, Boogie Cousins, John Wall, PJ Washington, and Immanuel Quickley would win 75 games and six straight titles.
Imagine Bills fans as basketball fans? They’d be dunking on all of the poor tables across Western New York. It’s just not safe at this point to give them another team.
Roswell, New Mexico
The NBA doesn’t fuck with aliens.
Toledo can hardly handle a minor league baseball team and has like 3 bars, no thank you.
The best thing to happen to Vermont was a bad joke on Baywatch so yea no NBA team for you.
Key Largo, Florida
The only thing I remember about Key Largo is that there was a chain gang at the beach and everyone’s lawn furniture was their coke den piss stained couch.
Wisconsin Dells, Wisconsin
Way too many water parks. James Haden will absolutely figure out how to get a lap dance in the wave pool at Noah’s Ark.
Grand Forks, North Dakota
Too busy caring about a shitty college hockey team to care about a real sport.
Coon Rapids, Minnesota
Famous for being where the District 5 hockey team officially become the Ducks in The Mighty Ducks, and my place of birth, Coon Rapids is actually more know for an unfortunate name and seedy roller rink. I have a feeling most basketball players would refuse to play in jerseys that say Coon Rapids across their chest.
Adam Silver if you’re reading this maybe stick to real towns and don’t bring a basketball team to one of these shitholes.