The Updated Top 50 Players in the NBA

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Solely because Bill Simmons and Ryen Russillo only did 40.

1.) Giannis Antetokounmpo

50 points in an NBA Finals closeout game gets you the top spot.

2.) Kevin Durant

Imagine having the worst injury possible for your profession, sitting out for a full year, then coming back like nothing happened and you’re still the fucking man. Durant is somehow better now than he ever was with a fully functioning achilles tendon.

3.) LeBron James

Yea man, it’s LeBron.

4.) Nikola Jokic

He’s a seven-foot bag of gravy who is somehow more coordinated than 99.9 percent of all other beings on the planet.

5.) Joel Embiid

Embiid is like if Shaq and Hakeem Olajuwon had a son and he was 92 percent as good as them.

6.) Luka Doncic

Everyone fell asleep and let a Slovenian Fuckboy take over the NBA.

7.) Kawhi Leonard

The Terminator went full T2 this season. He’s bruised, battered, and maybe got passed up by some young stars, but beat the hell out of the newer models in the end.

8.) Steph Curry

Steph almost dragged Andrew Wiggins to the playoffs.

9.) James Harden

Got fat and quit on Houston, but somehow turned into Magic Johnson?

10.) Damian Lillard

There is no scarier player to have to match up against on the perimeter.

11.) Anthony Davis

Had a bit of a championship hangover, and got injured, but is till one of the most dominant big men in the game and forced his way into Space Jam 2.

12.) Chris Paul

Cliff Paul finally left him alone so he can concentrate on his fucking job instead of insurance fraud and this is the result.

13.) Jayson Tatum

Tatum and the next three guys are basically in the same boat. They’re young, dumb, and full of endless potential and will probably beat the shit out of each other in the playoffs for the next 10 years.

14.) Trae Young

Became a superstar and supervillain in one playoff series.

15.) Devin Booker

Got hit by the Kardashian curse.

16.) Donovan Mitchell

Way too cool for Salt Lake City.

17.) Zion Williamson

Zion is like those great white sharks in South Africa that jump out of the water to bite the shit out of those poor seals.

18.) Kyrie Irving

There’s no way he’s vaccinated.

19.) Jimmy Butler

Can’t shoot but is still the man.

20.) Paul George

Can shoot and isn’t the man.

21.) Bradley Beal

Almost led the league in scoring and will still probably be the biggest trade target this offseason, as he’s been for like three years now. Dude must really like Washington D.C.

22.) Rudy Gobert

The Stifle Tower got dismantled by the Clippers.

23.) Bam Adebayo

Must love playing with Jimmy Butler.

24.) Julius Randle

The Knicks are going to overpay him for one great season and blow the offseason once again.

25.) Khris Middleton

24./6.3/5.3 in the NBA Finals does wonders for a man’s reputation.

26.) Deandre Ayton

27.) Karl-Anthony Towns

The ultimate great stats, terrible team guy. Thank god he has Anthony Edwards to drag him to the playoffs next year like a nice/respectful Jimmy Butler.

28.) Ben Simmons

Just going to forget that game 7 happened.

29.) Jrue Holliday

Those Finals didn’t help his stock much.

30.) Klay Thompson* (Didn’t play in 2020-21)

Dude’s just out living his best life while he recovers from his ACL injury.

https://www.instagram.com/klaythompson/

31.) Jaylen Brown

Brown and Middleton are two of the best two-way guys in the league. Perfect second or third options on a championship team.

32.) Ja Morant

Probably top five in terms of being really fucking cool. Even his name is cool. Ja, it’s just fun to shout into the void. (Ja is only second on the cool names to yell list, behind Monica obviously.)

33.) Russell Westbrook

Somehow got an MVP vote from some guy named Max Haupt.

34.) Brandon Ingram

Riding in Zion’s girthy shadow but still one of the best scoring wings in the NBA.

35.) Jamal Murray

Would be higher had he not torn his ACL before the playoffs.

36.) Domantas Sabonis

If he grows up to be his dad, he’s going to be in for a hell of a career.

37.) Zach Lavine

The Bulls aren’t back but Zach LaVine is finally a star in the NBA.

38.) De’Aaron Fox

God damn Kings are going to ruin Swiper’s career.

39.) CJ McCollum

He’s either going to get traded or the Blazers are going to be terrible because Damian Lillard is going to get traded.

If we were just counting the playoffs Ayton would be top 10.

40.) Kyle Lowry

Welcome to the Lakers Kyle.

41.) Shai Gilgeous-Alexander

SGA is going to be the next De’Aaron Fox, borderline great player on a perennially horrendous team.

42.) Nikola Vucevic

Might finally get some recognition now that he’s out of Orlando.

43.) Tobias Harris

Sure.

44.) Draymond Green

See Steph Curry, also almost dragged Andrew Wiggins to the playoffs.

45.) Gordon Hayward

Did anyone actually think he’d be good in Charlotte?

46.) Pascal Siakam

Is going to be in every trade proposal this offseason.

47.) Mike Conley

Conley and DeRozan are the oldies who most people would be surprised are still competing at an elite level.

48.) DeMar DeRozan

Still going strong.

49.) Michael Porter Jr.

If his back doesn’t go he could be a superstar.

50.) LaMelo Ball

Probably going to be top 30 next year.

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